Let me expound on that: I have a date with a charming, sweet, intelligent, 32 year-old industrial engineer who's hobbies include photography and gourmet cooking. It's worth noting here that he's quite good at the former, and has exhibited a few of his works at several local galleries. During the last show in which he took part, the curator of photography for the High actually sought him out to compliment him on his work. Clearly, the boy has talents.

This will be our second date. Our first was nearly a month ago; he had to leave the next day for China for work, and only got home this week. Needless to say, there's been a significant amount of build-up going into this.

There's a part of me that's excited about the prospect of something new, the idea of something so promising, yet young and fragile.

But then there's the darker side of me, the part that's overwhelmed by a fear of failure.

Failing? Failing at what? Failing to impress, maybe. Or maybe failing to make this work, as though I have to do this for survival, for comfort, for any chance at happiness whatsoever.

When I went out with Jason, he made an offhand comment that was more insidious than it sounded.

"You can't stand to be alone," was his dismissal of me. At the time, I denied it vigorously, but the truth is, he's right--I can't stand to be alone. There was a time that could do it, and do it happily, but those days now seem past.

I don't know what it is, exactly, that's left me this way. I don't know if it's my the failure of my last two successive relationships, passing the 30 mark, some combination of the two, or something entirely different all together. But no matter what it is, it's left me unable to be without human company for even a moment of time. I plan my days so that they are filled from the time I get up till the time I go to bed with co-workers and friends, and it keeps me moving forward.

Of course, Jason's insinuation was also that I was willing to accept just anyone to be with someone special. That part's not the case. Even if Jason had actually followed through with the second date, I'd be willing to bet his arrogance and attitude would've quickly worn thin. I've already broken off things with several other guys who were far better men than he for far lesser reasons, though still reasons enough to make them not quite for what I am seeking.

My industrial engineer friend seems, at least at the moment, to be rather exactly like the person for whom I'm looking. And so the fear becomes such that I worry--if I don't make it work with him, am I destined to be alone forever?

My friends are wonderful, and I love them dearly, but they don't fill the need I have for someone special in my life. And I can already tell that my boy is picking up on my anxieties.

The message took me aback. Had I really put that much pressure on him just via IMs shot back and forth halfway across the world?

I don't know what my expectations are, either. A third date? A fourth? A relationship? A two bedroom townhouse with a dog and two cats? It seems a bit presumptious to be merging households already, even in the context of absent-minded day-dreaming.

That'll change in a few minutes, though. He'll be here to pick me up, and we'll be off to a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant that he loves. And from there? Who knows.